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I am sick of men telling me they love me. Yes, I mostly talking about this guy I have been dating since December. In the beginning of this month he left, because his job required it and if he refused to go, he would be in jail right now. But he found out a month beforehand and withheld this knowledge from me for two weeks. Let it be known, he was the one who wanted this to be a serious relationship. He thought it would be best just to not let me know and let us just drift apart and by time he left I wouldn't care. Through those two weeks, I was the only one trying to keep whatever we had going on to keep going, I was respecting him and wanted to be serious as well, though he never even asked me to be his girlfriend. I called him out on being distant and I wanted to know what was going on. My friends were filling my head with things like oh he's cheating on you. I was making myself go crazy. I was pissed he didn't tell me.
Well now he's in California and a few days ago he told me,"love you." I don't believe him. If he did actually love me he wouldn't have been okay with keeping something so big from me, he wouldn't be okay with us drifting apart. He wouldn't be actively ignoring me now and just not responding to my texts daily. I automatically asked him if he was drunk. I was surprised, he said no. I didn't know what to say, so after a while, I replied," Okay then, why do you love me?"
He stated,"Because you're beautiful, you have a great personality and you put up with me." I don't even know exactly why but that isn't what I wanted to hear, I don't see those as valid reasons to confess your love for someone especially when you say it so casually not even the full statement. I just told him okay. We haven't really talked since then. He did try to bring it up last night but he said nevermind and I wanted him to tell me but now he's ignoring me once again.
So, I restate I am sick of men telling me they love me. If you're okay with putting me through Hell, making me cry, or being a constant jackass to me, continuously insulting me on my life choices. I don't believe you. I will never believe you. I deserve better, all women deserve better. I don't want you in my life if you're just going to be an obstacle for me to climb over. Life has enough of those. If you are removed from my life, I don't want you back, there is a reason you are gone. Your purpose in my life is over, move on. This is me talking to those men who think they love me. The men who were once the reason I smiled. Stop. Move on. You are no longer the reason I smile, you became the reason I cried. The bad overweighs the good ten-fold. I am moving on with my life, I am no longer looking back, there's no time nor reason to look back. I have enough grief in my life as is, I don't need you to add to it again, you already put your two-cents in continuously. No more. No more million second chances, you have made your bed each time, now its time for you to lie in it.
I am done with love. Not for good, just for the time being. I need to focus on school, work, family life, and my dog.
I just came to realize that I am currently homeless... I don't know how to feel about it and I never thought it would happen... Shit hit the fan on Saturday... Had an anxiety attack... Packed a bag and took my dog... I guess after two days I need to get my shit out of that house... I don't know where exactly my parents are moving me... All I have been thinking since Saturday is I wish I was home... College is not worth all this drama and heartbreak...
It was such a fun night. I spent it with my auntie and her two kids, it was great, first New Years we've been sober in a while. I've been sober for a little over 7 months and I feel proud. I didn't realize how proud I should be until people were offering me shots at the dance and I denied them and told them I'm sober. So many people get happy for you it's amazing. It was so good to see a lot of people, I'm literally a hermit and don't like going out much. Which made the dance pretty emotional too. My auntie/best friend's mom saw me at the dance from across the hall and she came over to me and held me for a long time. That is Leah's mom, my best friend who passed away 6-10-16. I didn't realize how bad I needed her hug and I thought of Leah because we spent almost every New Years throughout middle and high school together. Always being nuisances finding away to smoke weed and get some alcohol. Fuck I don't know how we managed it all. I cried when my auntie held me, I realized it was my first New Years without her, my first winter break without her. Fuck I usually spend Christmas break over at her house. But I haven't stepped foot in that house since I finished her quilt I made for her... Drove passed where the accident was the last two days of 2016... It feels like it just happened yesterday... I would give anything just to spend just at least a few more years, if not many decades, with her... I guess it adds to the pain of loss because I can't just go to her grave and talk to her like I do to my uncle George. She's all the way downriver, 4 villages away, hundreds of miles away... I don't know how my post just end up about her... That reminds me, when my family went to Christmas Mass I prayed to God to pass on a message to Leah and keep an extra watch on her... I'd like to think the message went on... I just miss her...
I have been smiling a whole lot more recently, I feel happy. Before I started going on dates with this GI I have been talking about. I was in a relationship on and off again for almost 4 years... I guess you can say I settled? I was happy, rarely. I was neglected, when I needed him most he would literally disapear for days and not respond to any messages. So many doubts ran through my head and caused me anxiety, stress, and depression. I thought he was literally using me because of this Shrike on my shoulder was feeding me such things... I was in a bad place for a long time because I tried keeping everyone in my life happy. But now I do not have that problem anymore, there is this crazy nice gentlemen that constantly worries if I am okay and... Yeah I really like this one. I think making this depression comic really helped me too. It kind of helped me progress through my sense of lost of my best friend. That's exactly what the main character goes through... I modeled one of the tags after my best friend but without my knowledge they changed her hair and well the coloring was off. When we presented in class I told the class what I did and what they did and the whole team just looked... astonished? They had no idea, it was like the first personal thing I shared with anyone in my classes. I did all the artwork and we got a 100 on the assignment. I mean good grades always boost your sprits.
It's been 6 months since my best friend was taken from this world too soon... It doesn't get any easier. She just turned 18 not even two months before... It hurts so much when someone who's been there since before Kindergarten is no longer here. Someone who's supposed to be there with during every mile stone. She'll never be in my wedding if I ever decided to get married. She'll never meet her nieces or nephews if I ever had any children. I'll never get to see who would have swept her off her feet, or see how beautiful her children would have been... She was one of the most beautiful girls I knew, she didn't even need to try. She was my sister... Six months ago hearing she was dead was the first thing my sister and I heard that day. My dad came barging in the front door and yelled she was dead... I cried for hours, my mom held me as I screamed. I cried the whole morning. I couldn't do anything else but cry. I was a zombie, I couldn't hold down anything. I threw up food and water. My head felt like it was getting split open. My sister forced me to eat and drink water and made me sleep. It helped but my best friend, my ister was still layig at the clinic dead... My mom brought me down to the clinic where her family and ours were waiting outside the clinic for her body to be flown out... It's traumatizing seeing your best friend being pulled away in a body bag... I asked her sister if I can make a quilt for her. I did, while she was gone getting examined. I actually dreamed that night a pattern for her quilt. For three days straight I worked on that quilt. 29 hours to be exact. My mom and auntie made her a pouch necklace and a matching bracelet... So many weird things were happening like she was watching us. Beads popping off threads because the pattern was off, my thread kept getting cut on my sewing machine, only when I was messing up. I used her favorite colors and patterns. Purple and pink along with zebra print. On the top I actually used a material she wanted. I'm glad I kept it now she has it with her... I feel better knowing my last gift to her will be with her forever... But man seeing her laying there in a coffin for days... We traveled 12 hours downriver in boats to bury her in her family's hometown... Traditionally someone is supposed to be with her all day and all night... I stayed with her the first night we were there until 5:30 am... Seeing her face all scratched and bruised from the accident... Feeling her cold cold skin... It shouldn't have happened like this at all... I'll never get to make memories with her ever again... I'll never hear her beautiful laugh from her mouth again... It's weird the day we got there it was sunny the whole day. So many of us got sun burnt, it was the hottest day this past summer. Almost a hundred degrees. But the day we left... it rained the whole way up... Like she was crying we were leaving her... I cried the whole boat ride home... I'm still crying... She didn't deserve it, she had such a great future ahead of her... She was supposed to be going to school this past semester with me... She wanted to be a lawyer... I miss my Froggy...
Third night in a row I've been out. This has never happened before. It's crazy that this has been full of first I suppose hahaha. He took me to the army base where he lives. I never thought I would ever step foot on an army base in my life. It was different. Well I didn't exactly step foot in it, stayed in the car for the whole time we were there hahaha. I might see him tomorrow who knows, I really like this guy...
Went on a second date with him. It was really fun, I spent 6 hours with him and it did not feel that long. He brought me out to eat. We drove around, smoked. Made out... lots... We watched another movie, Bleed for This. It was really good. Uh hahaha I just hoped my sister did not notice my really red lips when I got home hah!
Oh, when we were ordering when he brought me out to eat, I caught him tippy toeing. Then when we kissed on the stairs at the movies, he stood on the next stair up... It was interesting.
So I just came home, the latest I ever came home in a really long time. I just came home from my first date ever. It wasn't as I awkward as I thought it would be. Surprisingly it was with a guy in the army, a GI. If you know I don't really like GIs, I chose to not to really intereact with them. Another surprising factor is he is older than I usually go. I've only ever 'dated' guys up to a year and half older than me. He's 5 years older than me and I would say that is a factor of why tonight was just so- wow. He was really sweet and was a really really nice guy. But wait there is another thing that was out of my norms. He's three inches shorter than me. The shortest guy I've 'dated' was my height. It was different. All my life I've always said I would never date a man shorter than me because well... I was always the tallest kid in my age group, in all my classes until my Sophomore year. I giggled at first when I stood by him but when he asked why was I laughing, I couldn't really say but I did just tell him I was a giggly person and I brought it up again. I know how guys don't like people pointing out their height. He brought me to the movies, we watched Allied. We talked the whole car ride there and well we drove around a little bit to talk longer, we were early anyways. At first we were the only ones in the whole theater for the movie so we kept talking, kept making comments about the movie. It was great, he actually fed me popcorn, it was really different and I kind of liked it. But other people showed up so we just whispered to each other every now and again. Slowly he sunked into out seats just like leaning towards each other, whispering away. I loved the movie, it was amazing, except one thing. Not gonna say. We walked out and sat in his car and talked while it warmed up. Then he started to drive me home and we talked the whole away again. When he parked by the mail box I hugged him goodnight, tried to kiss his cheek. Well we ended up kissing, well we made out. He's the third man I've kissed. He was better than the others. After a while we stopped and decided to drive around some more about 45 minutes, he held my hand most of the way. He even kissed it a few times. Again he stopped by my mailbox and turned off the headlights. We ended up making out again haha. I lost count of time and I really didn't want to. My lips are still tingling. Tonight was full of many firsts and I am really glad I decided to step out of my box this evening. We're actually making plans to go bowling tomorrow... Well today. Hahaha.
I kind of have writer's block for my english final so I'm just gonna leave it here.
I am a 4th generation Catholic maternally, my great grandmother being one of those devoted worshipers. My grandmother, being another devoted worshipper, less religiously strict you can say. My mother being a laid back yet caring worshipper. My sisters and me, I remember my mom getting us up early enough to feed us breakfast and doll us up into matching dresses before we go to the church services at 11 am every Sunday. That is back when Brother Kirby lived in the church, though he moved away before I was 10 years old due to family issues in the lower 48. After slowly over time our weekly routine ceased to exist, my older sister was the only one out of us three to have both her Baptism and First Communion done. Because we did not go to church weekly made hard for my little sister and me to get our first communion. We did not meet the requirements, there was no one there to give bible studies, and we did not go to church weekly for a year straight. That does not mean I did not try though, of course we had someone go be trained to be certified to hold service. Despite all my effort I still did not get my first communion, because I was a basketball player I was not home on the weekends and I could not attend church. However I am still Catholic, I still believe in God, his son and the holy spirit, and I still pray. Though not daily, more during times of dire need of comfort. I wear my cross nearly daily, I carry my blessed Saint Benedict medal everywhere I go, and well I hang my driftwood cross my dad carved for me in my room. It is weird how it worked out though, my older sister being the only one to do the first communion, she does not believe like how I believe.
“People who cease to believe in God or goodness altogether still believe in the devil. I don’t know why. No, I do indeed know why. Evil is always possible. And goodness is eternally difficult” (Rice 13).
Because I believe in God I have common Christian beliefs. I believe in the devil, demons, ghost, everything that goes bump in the night to sum it up. With that said, Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire involved something unholy, vampires. Vampires are undead, if that does not make you think it is a form betrayal then well here is how I think about it, once you turn into a vampire you cannot touch silver. Because you turned your back on Jesus and denied him, you betrayed him just like Judas did long ago, for just a few pieces of silver. Then there is the blood eating is forbidden law, “I will set my face against any Israelite or any foreigner residing among them who eats blood and I will cut them off from the people” (Leviticus 17:10 New International Version). That is one point of view that I have upon this universe that Anne Rice created. Throughout my analysis I will continue talking about points that came to my attention when I read Witter’s adaptian Interview with the Vampire Claudia’s Story through a Catholic lens.
Who is this child vampire this paper is titled after? Her name is Claudia, when we first meet her in Interview with the Vampire she is this 5 year old girl clinging onto her mother’s plagued dead body. She was small and malnourished, crying and begging to a stranger to ‘wake her up’. What she didn’t know is this stranger is going to change her whole world, and would be with her until her very end. Interview with the Vampire: Claudia’s Story is an adaption of Interview with the Vampire that is told through Claudia’s eyes.Claudia was just this little pale starving girl, completely innocent of the world’s influences. Her little body instinctively drained by Louis de Pointe du Lac, he bit her because he couldn't control himself around her heart beat. He took her life, but Lestat de Lioncourt gave her ‘life’ back, thus the start of this little doll like child-vampire.
When Lestat brought her back to their townhouse in New Orleans and changed her, he announced that they would be a family.”In the bulk of vampire fiction, a master vampire functions as father, mother, and husband, with other younger vampires as children/lovers. No biological mother is necessary. . . “ (Benefiel. 263). Homosexuality is common theme in Vampire fiction, and this story is not an exception. In the beginning of Interview with the Vampire it does imply that Louis does have homosexual feelings toward Lestat. “I refused to look at him, to be spellbound by the sheer beauty of his appearence” (Rice, 12). When Lestat made Claudia their daughter and announced they were now a family, it implied he felt the same. But it was like a forced relationship, all Lestat really wanted was Louis’ plantation and wealth. Lestat forced Louis and Claudia to be apart of his nuclear family, two beautiful men, and a beautiful, non aging daughter. It was like a last attempt to make their relationship work, creating Claudia.
“Now, Louis was going to leave us,” said Lestat, his face moving from my face to hers.”He was going to go away. But now he’s not. Because he wants to stay and take care of you and make you happy” He looked at me. You’re not going, are you, Louis?” (Rice, 84)
It reminds me how women who do not want to lose their man intentionally get pregnant so they cannot leave and their stuck with a connection to them for life. As I talk about Lestat and Louis, his bible verse come into mind, “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. . .” (Leviticus 18:22 New International Version). It made me think how most religions look down on homosexuality, but I do not feel that way. I see it as hey he/her really loves he/her, I am glad they are together. My whole life when I would ask why something this way, a good amount of the answers would be because God made it that way. One thing I never understood about this whole stereotypical Christians are big homophobes and wish they would die. Why would someone being slightly different cause you to hate them so much. It baffles me that so many people fit this stereotype, like the Westboro Baptist Church. I do not understand how someone who believes in the Lord can have so much hatred in their hearts. A few other Bible verses come into mind as I think about this topic. “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy you. But you -who are you to judge your neighbor” (James 4:12 New International Version). I do not have a right to really judge this topic, in other words it is what it is. When I continued reading, when Louis and Claudia met Armand’s coven in Paris, Louis was completely memorized with Armand. Armand had the same reaction and he fell in love, and more Bible verses comes into mind.
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:13-15 New International Version).
These verses actually really go well this section in Interview with the Vampire, Armand and Louis’ love for each other. As well as how Santiago punished Claudia, Madeleine, and Louis for trying to kill Lestat. The women were left in a roofless tower to burn in the sunlight. Which is devastating since Madeleine is much like Anne Rice herself, she lost her daughter as well, who Claudia is based off of. All she wanted was a daughter who couldn’t die and in the end they just die in each other’s arms. As they died Louis was supposed to be locked away forever in a coffin to starve. Yet, because Armand’s love for Louis, he was saved, and Louis had revenge for his daughter’s death. He burned down the theatre with everyone in Armand’s coven inside, and they left to travel Europe together. It is a strange love I would say.
Another thing that caught my attention was how Claudia refers to Louis as her lover after she officially left her childhood behind. He has been a father to her for 70 plus years, a very good father at that. He didn't have the need to shower her with needless extravagant gifts because he spent quality time with her and truly cared for her. Taught her that there is more to the world than just parties and feeding the constant hunger they had. He read to her, taught her how to play the piano, and brought her to the theater, the finer things in life. While Lestat bought her affection with the needless extravagant items and gave her a porcelain doll for her birthday each year. Imagine that huge collection, that’d be a very disturbing ‘Doll Wall’, assuming that she kept every single doll that he gave her. The Symbolism is clear there, he gives her a doll yearly on the anniversary of when he created her, her birthday if you will, because Claudia is Lestat’s personal living doll. All her life she was dressed in whatever Lestat wanted, and did whatever he told her to do. He treats her more like an object than a human being (Shmoop Editorial Team). In director Neil Jordan’s movie Interview with the Vampire, when she saw what she couldn’t become, things started to connect in her mind. She could not become a grown woman and when Claudia realized the connection between herself and the dolls Lestat gifted her she turned on the hand that fed her. She began to question how he made her immortal, when he refused to tell her she became like obsessed with this unknown knowledge and had a deep desire to answer it. After decades under Lestat’s thumb turned her into a harsh and bitter woman, yet she gained skills that only Lestat can provide her. But back to the original point about Claudia calling her father figure Louis her lover, it is very taboo, in other words that is basically incest. "No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD," (Leviticus 18:6 New International Version). It is forbidden by God for this act to be acted out. The Lord lists out multiple ways how you are not to have sexual relations with family members, or animals, then he declares the punishment if incest is acted out.
“‘Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born and the foreigners residing among you must not do any of these detestable things, for all these things were done by the people who lived in the land before you, and the land became defiled. And if you defile the land, it will vomit you out as it vomited out the nations that were before you” (Leviticus 18:24-28 New International Version).
Though Claudia and Louis never acted out the actions that their pet name for each other implies, it is still concerning. Concerning is actually a mild word to use. Because of my background, more like my foundation on life, it literally turned my stomach upside down and do a twirl. To continue on I want to keep talking about Claudia’s fathers but in a different point.
It is perplexing how she spent more time with Louis, yet she acts more like Lestat. Claudia states, “Lestat nurtured the killer inside me, but Louis was father to the child” (Witter, 22). Louis treated her more as his daughter while to Lestat she was just a pupil. While Louis nurtured her talents Lestat nurtured the ruthless killer inside this vampire doll. Like him she always took lives to get what she wanted in life, for example; the doll maker told her that she couldn’t afford any of his dolls so she drained him and took the doll. Though throughout her life she was always closer to Louis, they slept in the same coffin since they were brought together. True, she did ask for her own coffin and Louis had it made, but she never used it, she continued to sleep with Louis. For decades Louis was her father and mother, the only one in the cruel world that truly loved her as his daughter. Ultimately she ends up more like Lestat, because he treated her more as a pupil than a daughter he claims her to be. Both had this constant thirst for blood, together they would wipe out whole families. He would watch in the shadows, clearly proud, as Claudia would lure in her own prey and drain them dry. Because she was his pupil, soaking up all the knowledge he gave her, he unknowingly had given her the information to become his very undoing. She learned from the master how to be cunning and get what you want. A bible verse comes to mind as I go on about Lestat and Claudia’s relationship. ‘Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 New International Version). Because Lestat did not give Claudia the information she craved and he decided to be an obstacle. Claudia decided to do the most Lestat-like thing to do. She eliminated the obstacle all together and carried on her mission. Another bible verse comes to mind, “Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6 New International Version). This sums up how Claudia is for the rest of her life, she nevered changed. Like Lestat once she had a goal, hers was more like an obsession, in the end it was her downfall. She followed right in his footsteps, but he was more clever than she ever was. He did not actually die, and he came after her and Louis and that is how Santiago and Armand’s coven found out they broke the one law they had. It was forbidden to kill your own kind, if you did, you are dead, for real this time. So unlike Lestat, Claudia’s downfall was actually her downfall, there is no coming back from literal ashes.
... UNTIL I AM FINALLY NO LONGER A FRESHMAN! I will finally have over 33 credits and I will be a sophomore!!! Plus there is the while Christmas break thing, yeah I just got back to school from Thanksgiving... Need to go home soon though because literally serious shit has been going down up here.
This crazy shit happened while I was home and I really dreaded coming back to this place.